Some Days are Wierd!

Well stink.

Here I am...going through life...enjoying my joy...serving my God...finding my good deals ;) ... and what steps in my path???

ME!

For some reason...I stepped into the path of the wishing and wanting. And missing. I don't normally feel this way. I can generally go months without feeling this way. But today, I feel this way. Today, I am sad that I have lost 10 babies. I know all the right answers. But I am just kinda sad. I should have a newborn. I should be feeding it right now and snuggling with it. I should be sleeping right now, because in 2 hours I would be awakened to feed again. And...instead...I am selling all my baby stuff...and the crib is in the basement.

I understand that right now is actually not just the best time for a baby. I understand that I have been blessed with WONDERFUL children...and I have so many dear friends still trying for theirs. I understand all of this. But, it does not take away the thoughts of my 10 tiny ones being in heaven without their mother and father. It doesn't take away the thoughts of wondering who they would have been...or what they would have looked like. Those thoughts are still there...And today, for some reason, they are very real.

So, I suppose this is the time to allow God to hold me once again. I know that this is the time that He wants me to praise Him for that which I do have. And to grieve that which has been lost from this earth. I know that God grieves with me. I know that it is not His perfect plan that any should die. He did not create us this way. He created us perfect. He has to grieve that because of human nature (sin nature) our bodies have deteriorated to the point that we loose our own unborn children. He has to mourn with us.

So, I take comfort in this. I take comfort in the fact that My God feels my pain. He loves me in spite of my sin. He wants to comfort me in my trials...and that tomorrow is a new day. A day in which maybe I wont step down that path that leads me to sad thoughts about my babies in heaven...but joyous ones. After all...my babies are full of God's glory and are singing His praises...gotta smile about that!