Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Happy Would Be Birthday....

Sparkler---You touched Mommy's heart so hard that you left your fingerprints forever. I first thought you were with me me when we went to the Children's Museum and I was sick. The elevators made me so sick to my tummy. We found out that you were with us, the day after Halloween. Mommy knew while we were trick or treating, that you were in me. You were 6 weeks old when I discovered you. From the get go, you fought. The dr would say one week that you would not make it. Then the next week, you grew! Dr Madura would call and say, "Well, don't want to get your hopes up, but I think you have a stickie!" We pushed on...trying to do all the things we had planned in our everyday life. You came with us to a big Thanksgiving dinner that Mommy and Daddy worked for. You went to your sister's birthday party. You were there when Mommy started buying Christmas presents too! I bought you a little bib for your first Halloween...I still have it in my dresser. But, on one day, just before Thanksgiving, we found out that you had passed on. You were 9.5 weeks, and did not have a heartbeat. I remember sitting, all alone in that ultrasound room. I remember Dr Madura trying to tell me the words that were hard for her to say, and harder for me to hear. I remember walking out of the Dr's Office doors thinking, what do I do? Am I supposed to say something to the receptionist? Will she think I am rude if I don't? I better smile and say, "Have a good day." And I did. I remember that I had to pull myself together b/c I had friends in the waiting room...waiting to hear the news. I remember that I sobbed anyhow. I remember that I read a book that dear Ebeth sent me. It was how to Find God in Your Trials. I did not know that I would need it that soon. I prayed that morning that God would give me what I needed. He did. I somehow floated through the day. Isaac told everyone that Mommy has a baby in her belly, but it died. Abbie cried quietly, and tried to take care of me. Daddy was mad. He wanted to fix you, and could not. About 2 weeks later, Mommy delivered you on my birthday. I woke up to horrible pain...much like the contractions that delivered your brother and sister. I talked with a friend on the phone b/c I was scared. I had no idea that I was in labor. I let the friend go, and about 10 minutes later, I delivered you. You and your placenta together were as big as my hand. I was shocked and amazed since all the other babies that I had miscarried were so much more smaller. I was alone again. Daddy was at work. But you know what? God was faithful to me...He sent the rain once again. That wonderful cleansing rain. You were 11.5 weeks. Had God's plan have been for you to remain on this Earth, you would have been born around this time. I originally nick-named you Firecracker, because you were due on the 4th of July. Once you started failing, I called you Sparkler. You were a little sparkler that was trying hard not to let your light go out. I miss you much. But, I am very thankful that God allowed you to be in my life for that short little while. And I am so thankful for the lessons that He taught me through you.


Rachel C. on July 3, 2008 at 10:08 AM said...

This is very random, but I read your comment on Angie Smith's blog and I felt lead to come here and tell you that I'm praying for you as you go through these hard days. I lost my first baby maybe about a month before you did - our baby was nine weeks, and his/her due date was June 12. It helps me to know that God is bringing others through similar journeys, so I hope that helps you a little bit, too. So sorry for your loss, praying that God will hold you close to Him.


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