Ever think those thoughts???? I should have this...I could have done that....I would have done this and that.
Having a shoulda day today. I should be 33 almost 34 weeks pg with a big round belly. Missing that. I should be planning for the hospital stay and getting the crib ready. I should be feeling sparkler moving around, hi-cupping, and talking with friends about the joys of pg. I should be wearing cute maternity clothes. lol. (Which if I was pg, I would probably be wishing that I could wear regular clothes---viscous female thoughts!)
But, instead I am missing those things. I can honestly say, sparkler drew me closer to a Lord that has infinite Light and Fireworks though. I have come to understand that to ask for your child to return to you, after it has experienced utter PERFECTION, is not love, but selfishness. When Lazarus died, Jesus wept that He had to call him back from the presence of the Almighty. I could have only given Sparkler a splinter of a fraction of the love that she/he is receiving from the Ultimate Lover. The unselfish thing would totally be to say---HEAVEN is what is best for my child. But, unfortunately, our self plays too big of a role in our thoughts. And today---self is telling me to thing about the shoulda couldas. Self is telling me---I am what is best for my child.
I am going to try to push through these feelings in a biblical way today. I am going to try to focus on scripture, clean my house, and remember God's unending love and mercies for me. And I am going to try to put out the shoulda, coulda, wouldas from my mind---because obviously, God has higher and more beautiful plans for my life.