So...I'm Down...

:)

I have worked very hard at my weight loss. Unfortunately, I was forced to take a 10 week break from exercise and diet, but still maintained my loss. So, officially today I am DOWN! I got so so so excited last week when I slipped those lovely size 8 pants on with ease. AMAZING! Then, this weekend, I got a size 6 skirt that looks great! Just what I needed to give me that boost! I was looking at all these GREAT slacks that were size 6, and I thought, in 2 months...these will be mine. And, they will. I promise myself, unless God prohibits me again, I WILL be in a 6 this summer. I WILL be healthy. And I will be able to go on any hiking trail I please.

Now, I must must must start praying more fervently for this one thing...currently, my grocery bill is nil. Until Brian gets another job, we will be living off of $1000 a month to pay all of our bills, eat, and gas (it cost over 200 a month in gas just for Brian to go to work!!!!) So, we are going to be struggling a bit. We really need your prayers. I am scared and feel a bit of lack of faith right now. Thinking about last spring, and feeling as though this year could look the same. The thought of living like this again, I can not imagine. But, when we are weak, HE is strong, so we shall see what HE has planned for our weakness!!!!!!!! lol... All that to say, it is going to be hard to eat healthy, so I am praying for God's provisions in this matter. Specifically praying for a smaller freezer so that I can stock up on frozen veggies when they are cheap/free. Can't wait to see how God is going to provide!

Oh...and here are my currents numbers (as embarrassing as they are...EEEKS!)

Starting Weight: 142 Current Weight: 132 Goal Weight: 120
(notice how the colors get lighter...just like I will! lol POSITIVE THINKING)
Starting Waist: 33 inches Starting Hips: 39 inches
Current Waist: 31.5 inches Current Hips: 38 inches
Goal Waist: 27 inches Goal Hips: 36


Current Size: In between 8 and 10 Goal Size: 6

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Oh...the Fun of Christmas Pictures.

I guess that Isaac decided this year that he hated pictures. He wiggles, laughs, talks, waves, sticks out his tongue...you name it. Everything BUT smile! Abbie on the other hand, hammed it up! She enjoyed her photo shoot!

First...here are the pictures of Isaac's defiance...

And the ones that we will actually use...I liked about8 of the 64!

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The Magnificat

I have always loved this picture of Mary. It doesn't show her as a mother who was just getting ready to deliver. It shows her as a pure, young lady. This is how I pictured her as the angel came to visit her.

Every Christmas, as a woman and a mother, I find myself focusing on Mary. I tend to view her as an example. After all, she was the only woman deemed suitable to carry God's only Son. The Father in flesh. She must have been a remarkable woman. I can only imagine the many ways that I continue to daily fall short.

I specifically love The Magnificat. This actually reminds me of Mariam's song of deliverance after the Israelites passed the Red Sea. Full of praise. Full of humbleness. Full of Awe. I find myself so many times trying to express my feelings like this. And just can't seem to find the right words.

Luke 1:46-55 is Mary's famous prayer/praise. It starts off by saying, "My soul doth magnify the Lord, and my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Savior." I can only imagine the feeling that she must have been feeling. How her spirit and mouth could not contain the praise and emotions that she must have been experiencing. After all...she had Christ residing in her. Oh wait...so do we! So, why can't we speak like this? Mary was the greatest servant of all to Christ. She was the mother who knew from the moment He was conceived with in her, that she would raise a son, only for Him to die. For her. And the rest of us. I was only pregnant for 11 weeks, and knew that my little one would die. It was heartbreaking. But, imagine delivering a darling child. Watching that sweet little boy grow up. Watching Him become THE PREACHER of all preachers. THE TEACHER of all teachers. THE GREATEST PHYSICIAN of all times. And knowing that this mighty Man, yet God, would die as you watch. And not only would He die, but He would die for you...His mother. Mary must have felt so much guilt. So much pride in Christ (the kind of pride that is a godly pride;) ) So much sadness. So much joy. She probably had a hard time coming up with the words to describe how she felt.

I love how Mary responds to the angel in verse 38: "Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to Thy word." I can honestly say that when I discovered that the child that I carried was going to die, I did not say, " Behold your servant...be it unto me..." At least not right away. It took me days... and then it was still with a closed fist at times. I can honestly say that there are times that my fists are closed as I think about the ministry. Mary opened her heart to a ministry beyond our imaginations. I don't think that I would be able to say...Be it unto me. How embarrassing. This is why this scripture is so important to me at this time of the year. It reminds me of what kind of woman I should be. I lack in so many areas. And I pray that someday God would deem me worthy and that I might be able to say, "For He that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is His name." (vs 49)

***By the way this picture is taken from One Wintry Night by Ruth Bell Graham. If you do not own this book, I HIGHLY suggest that you buy it and read it to your children each Christmas. It has lead many people to Christ...including 3 of my Sunday School kids! Amazing story of the need for a Christ from the beginning of time, to our current estate.***

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It's Begining To Look Alot Like Christmas...

Take a look at the 5 and 10, glistening once again...

I love this time of year. So much hope and joy and magic. So many opprotunities to share the love of our Savior. And so many magical moments that you wish would never go away!

Tonight, we drove about 40 min to see a light display at a fairgrounds. We stopped and used some CVS ECB's first on cookies and milk to drink on the way...(and Isaac's sour cream and onion Pringles! lol) Poor Isaac was zonked when we got there. No waking him up. BUT, Abbie was in Winter Wonderland. She oooooed and aaaaaahhhed over each display. I tried to get Brian to wear his Santa hat, but no such luck, so I ended up with it on. He is such a stuck in the mud at times! :P

Here are a few pictures of our evening...and one of our tree. To welcome our cyber friends into our home this Christmas.

This was my favorite Display. You can not tell, but it was a gazebo lite up!

This was Ab's favorite display. It was castle with a "REAL" drawbridge she says!

This is Brian's attempt at photography. :P And as you can see...I am in the Santa hat. And Bri's Rocky sweatshirt! lol

And...last....my tree. And if you notice, the walls have been freshly painted! I will get some picts of the remodeled room when everything is finished. Just after Christmas I guess!

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Isaac and Abbie Funnies...and not so funnies...

Abbie First:

Be aware. Your child watches those commercials!Lol. Abbie came into the bathroom this morning while I had water running in the sink. We have just a tiny clog in that sink that I have been working on. Abbie matter of factively told me, "You need The Orange Bam Mom!" Then walked out. Those commercials drill into their little heads. And ours for that matter!!!!!!

Now, the EVER commical Isaac:

We visited a church in another town on Sunday. Isaac was suprisingly EXCITED about joining in his sunday school class. As most of you know, we lost our baby this past week, and it has been a little sad for the kids. Isaac has been trying to "peek" to see how Jesus was going to take the baby to heaven! In Sunday School...Isaac learned about Mary and Joseph. He learned that Mary was going to have a baby. Get this!!!! In the middle of the class that Isaac had never been to before, he starts talking! He told the teacher that his mommy has a baby in her belly. Then he went on the say, "But out baby died." The teacher was SHOCKED! She did not know us. She tried to gently tell Isaac that someday we could go to heaven and see the baby. Isaac then told the class very proudly, "Yes. I am going to use my dad's ladder. But I have to get a taller one, cause that one is not big enough!" The teacher tells me all of this while I am picking him up. I am in tears of course, she is struggling to know the right thing to say, and Isaac is trying to explain to me at the door, "Mom...that Mary had a baby in her belly like you, but hers isn't dead." Oh My! The honesty of our children brings me back to reality. Isaac still prays 3 times a day that God would keep the baby safe, and then at the end of his prayers, tells me that Jesus is taking care of it for me. What faith and pure honesty. Seems cleansing in a way. And man, Isaac can always make me giggle in a wierd way!

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Baby Shaw is in Heaven now...

According to our OB, our sweet baby shares the same birthdate as it's mommy. Unfortunatly, it was born into our Father's arms, not ours. I am physically feeling better. Emotionally, struggling a bit, and can tell that my hormones are starting to fall. Which will cause some crabbiness I am sure! Eeeekkks! I am grateful for the few weeks that I shared with my baby. I may never see that glorious 2 lines of a pregnancy test again...so I will cherish that memory. I may never look down and see a little baby bump again...so I will cherish that also. Thank you to everyone for allowing me to have some time alone...and offering the help you have. :)

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His love still amazes me...

I guess that I can't get over how Big our God is. Some would say that God is not a loving God since He allowed the smallest of children to die. I say that He is a loving God because He provides when those horrible things happen. He allowed me to receive a book the week I conceived, knowing that this would be the end result. The book was about going through trials. He put the idea into a friends head to send the book. Isnt that the mark of a Provider?

I guess I have and am learning so many lessons right now. How to be held once again...How to keep pushing on and endure the trial...How to grieve in a Godly way...How to trust my Lord...How to love my husband...and How to love my children just a little more. Trials are not designed to break us. They are designed to make us and mold us into wonderful creatures that can fully please our God. One quote that I read that has stuck in my head is this: "Perserverance is not a passive submission to circumstances-it is a strong and active response to the difficult events of life. It is not passive endurance, but the quality of standing on your feet as you face the storms. It is not simply the attitude of withstanding trials, but the ability to turn them into GLORY, to overcome them."

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Baby is not going to make it...

For those of you dear friends who check this blog, I just wanted to send a short word and let you know that our sweet baby is not going to make it. Today we had our 3rd ultrasound. We learned that it had not grown, and there was not a heartbeat. My uterus is measuring in between 8-9 weeks. The baby stopped growing around 6 weeks... We will wait to see what happens, hoping to avoid a D&C but might not have a choice. Right now, they are letting us just wait it out. Thank you all for the prayers and thoughts...I am sorry if I am not real talky right now, just needing to keep all my sanity for this weekend. I really want the kids to have a great weekend, and I want to be able to share some good time with my extended family as I never get to see them. I am very grateful for the lessons that God has been teaching me. He knew exactly what I would need...exactly when I would need it. He is a Great Provider like that...

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OOOOOOOHHHHH ANNNNNNNDDDDDDDD......

Guess what???? It is allllllllmmmmmmmooooosstttttttttt CHRISTMAS! YIPEEEEEE My favorite time of the year! Only 10 days till we get to put the tree up! And next week will be a lot of fun with Thanksgiving. I am really looking forward to it this year. I have a lot to be thankful for. I will make sure that I post my Thankful list this week! But, tonight, I am THRILLED that it is nearly the season!

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Little Sparkler...

So this really is not a very good picture, but I wanted to share our little sparkler with you. And dont pay any attention to the fact that you can see my shadows on it! It is major glossy and taking a picture of a picture always deems itself a strange feat!

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Humbled...

I have a pretty amazing God. Shared this in my last post. But, I have been so convicted this past week over my initial response to hardship. A dear friend of mine from Hannahs Prayer (Ebeth!) sent me a wonderful book in the mail in October. It is called "Finding God's path Through Your Trials." By Elizabeth George. Well, at least I think that is what it is called. (the book is in our bedroom where Brian is sleeping and I dont want to wake him up to double check ;) ) Anyhow, God has used this book in many ways.

A couple of things that I have really learned are this:

---Character is only developed in someone who perseveres through trials. Character can NOT be obtained on the short cut path. You can not try to manipulate your way through trials...and think that you will have the blessings of lessons learned in the end. It just doesnt work this way. You must GO THROUGH the trial...whether it be small like a confrontation that needs to be handled in a godly fashion or big like the death of a loved one. And it is not enough to actually make it through the trial, but you must go through it with God's Grace...not stumbling and standing with your face to the storm, saying my GOD IS BIGGER THAN THIS TRIAL...AND HE WILL PREVAIL...Thus I will too!

---Pain...we get so caught up in what we see as pain...we see something that is not easy...or comfortable, and we quit. I see it all the time. WE QUIT. "Things are not going how I like it, so I decide I dont want to do this..." We are a selfish people arent we? If God calls you to do something...for me the calling at the time is carrying a sweet baby that might not live...then we do it to the best of our abilities, RIGHT? Too many times we say, "Aahhh I am tired, I will take care of it later...I will deal with this emotion later...blah blah blah." Why not now? Why not do what God has for you to do now...go through the trial even if it hurts. God is calling you to do so! He is requiring it. And guess what? If we (I) fail, then I have to just go through the test again. So, why not just understand that this is the path that He has for me right now, and walk it...with His hand? I am learning this. Sounds simple...but oh so hard. Oh, and here is a quote from the book! "We get caught up in the pain, anguish, or bother of the moment. Instead, we need to see them as God's way of making us better, more stable women, wives, mothers, daughters, grandmothers, employees, and church workers." This is my goal...to be a Stable Woman...I do not wake up each day saying that I want to be a woman who can waver...a woman who lacks faith...I need to wake up each day, realizing that there will be trials. Whether it be a bill that might not get paid, a sick child, a friend in trouble, or the possibilty of loosing yet another baby...something will be in my path. My job, is to stay on that path...walk through it. And look back at the end of the day giving the glory to my Creator who knows exactly what to put into my path.

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Not quite a Firecracker...

More of a Sparkler right now...

Wee Baby Shaw is taking it's time growing. Today we found out that our numbers did not double. This doesnt mean that we have no hope, just that we have to trust God a little more in what His plans are instead! We will have an ultrasound tommorow to tell how things are progressing. Hoping to come back and give you great news!

Here are a few REALLY cool ways that God was with me today though...

1. As I was sorting laundry (doing that frantic cleaning thing just to keep busy!) all of these awesome verses started popping into my head. At that instant, I remembered that the ladies from Hannah's Prayer were praying that God would be near me. And He was. And it was awesome!

2. As I was getting the laundry out of the dryer...yes still doing laundry lol...I saw someone at the door. I didnt want to open it because I was still in my sweats and had not done my hair, but I did anyhow. And low and behold...a darling lady and her hubby from our church had sent me flowers. Not just any flowers...but Gerber Daisies...which are my favorites! And not just any Gerber Daisies, but Pink ones...cause she and I are secretly hoping for a little girl. ;) God was an awesome God again by using one of His servants to put a smile on my face.

3. And my finally...tonight I was struggling for Abbie and Isaac. Abbie is so excited that I am pregnant. Tonight she wrote me a note saying, "I am so hape that you or pragnat mom". Made me laugh. (and think...man I need to be teaching her better! lol) Anyhow..she and Isaac were going to have to go with us to the ultrasound tommorow. I was worried that we would hear bad news, and she would be devestated. We really didnt have any options as far as a babysitter since everyone in our church is sick and I dont want to burden them or get us sick! So, I was getting ready to ask for prayers for Abs and Isaac...when an idea came to my mind... I remembered that Sara, a dear friend of mine, works for the same network that my dr is in. On a whim, I called her to see what time she got off. She got off an hour later than my appointment. BUT, my big God worked something out...she just HAPPENS to be on float at that office tommorow! Seriously! She will be able to watch the kids in the waiting room for me. Now, tell me what an AWESOME God that I have. I think pretty BIG AWESOME.

So, even if our firecracker/sparkler is heavenbound, I know that my Father has it all under control. He took care of today...He will take care of tommorow, and all the rests of my tommorows...Tell me, Isn't He awesome?

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Announcing:

A new Baby Shaw is on the way...

We were hesitant to announce this for 2 reasons. 1. being that we have some dear friends and family that are still trying for thier sweet ones, and we hurt so badly for them. 2. we did not want to announce anything until the Dr said that everything was looking good! And today she did! :)

As of today, the Dr puts me due around July4th!!! Seriously! For those of you that know me, you know that I am a huge American fan. I am full of Patriotism through and through (and no...that doesnt mean that I am a fan of the "Patriots" but that I love America. ;) ) So, it means alot to have a sweet one due around that time.

So please join us in prayer and praise for our 3rd earth bound wee one.

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Halloween 2007

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And Isaac Sings....

So today, I taught the kids this cute little song. It went like this (to the sound of have you ever seen...)

Have you ever seen a pumpkin, a pumpkin, a pumpkin

Have you ever seen a pumpkin that grows on a vine

There's round ones, and tall ones and bumpy ones, and smashed ones

Have you ever seen a pumpkin that grows on a vine...

This is Isaac's version of the song...What a goof! And I promise, he gets this from Brian...not ME!

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and some more...

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Some more picts...

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Some newer pictures...

loving mamaw
ever the comic
casuing it. (is that a word?) the torres'
the brians

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Bubble Boy

My boy is the bubble boy now. After almost 3 years of struggles with Isaac, we now have a diagnosis. He is IgA deficeint. This means that his body doesnt make the cells that are necessary to war off infections and viruses. He is now on a life long medicine that makes him kinda whiny. We are hoping that this will be a short side affect. The dr told us that Isaac should not go to public school or daycares. He needs to stay home so that he can protect his immune system. We will never be able to actually build his immune system, just keep him protect him some from the "diseases" of the world. ;) We have been focused on other things and have not really paid much attention to what this means for our family. That is until just in the last few days. And now, Isaac is sick...just a small cold for now, but we were given strict instructions that even a small cold will turn into an infection that he will not be able to overcome, so that we will have some more dr appointments and more meds...blah blah blah...We will get use to this. This will become part of life. I really am not worried about it, just want to know what to do with this new information. How can I help this not affect our lives as much...this is what I am learning. And I am excited that God has given Isaac a "temptation" that he can overcome and give Him the glory on the otherside! I think that is cool.

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Do you think he is allergic???

Poor Isaac...Brian forgot about his allergy, and gave him ranch last night. He kept telling us that his tongue hurt afterwards. The goofy boy, I found him LICKING the ranch out of the bowl after we took it away from him. Gotta figure out what is in the ranch, so we can avoid it in other things too...

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Feeling a little better...

Talked with a friend on HP and am feeling better...Hair is hair. I made Brian happy. That is my second job on this earth. #1 is to please God, and by pleasing my husband, I am pleasing God! So, it is ok. I will be wearing lots of ribbons though. So if you could please be on the lookout for some girly ones, that would be awesome!!!! Oh...and I worked out, which made me feel better too. ;) Thanks for listening to me whine...you are awesome, whoever you are!

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Here it is....

IT IS SHORT~

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Needing Help...

To Cut...or not to cut...that is the question:

This is what it looks like now....

This is what it looked like a year ago

This is what I am thinking of doing...only in dark brown and not blonde.

What do you think???????

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My Little Gym Boy...

Just thought this was funny...my little gymnast.

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All There...

I read a really cool devotion yesterday. Although, it may have just been picked out for me, and no one else sees the value in it. It was discussing how we can not live in the past, for we can not change it. And we can not live for the future, for only God knows what that holds and only He has power over it.

So, what are we to do then? We are to live in the present!!! We are to do EXACTLY what God wants us to do TODAY! If we are looking to the left, to the right, to the back, or to the far of distance...we will stumble. We will miss where the path turns...we will go astray. We will miss that bump in the road, and look back to think, "Man, why am I on the ground getting stomped?"

So to bring all these thoughts together...I end with this phrase from the martyred missionairy Jim Elliot..."Where ever you are --- be all there."

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Welcome Baby Nathan

Yesterday, our "No name Baptist Church" welcomed Nathan Hayman! After much waiting he arrived around 8:30 am on Tuesday, September 18th. Much to our suprise he wieghed in at 9lbs and 4 1/2 ozs!!!! And 21 3/4 in long. BIG BOY!!!!!!!! Here are the pictures as promised...

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Some Days are Wierd!

Well stink.

Here I am...going through life...enjoying my joy...serving my God...finding my good deals ;) ... and what steps in my path???

ME!

For some reason...I stepped into the path of the wishing and wanting. And missing. I don't normally feel this way. I can generally go months without feeling this way. But today, I feel this way. Today, I am sad that I have lost 10 babies. I know all the right answers. But I am just kinda sad. I should have a newborn. I should be feeding it right now and snuggling with it. I should be sleeping right now, because in 2 hours I would be awakened to feed again. And...instead...I am selling all my baby stuff...and the crib is in the basement.

I understand that right now is actually not just the best time for a baby. I understand that I have been blessed with WONDERFUL children...and I have so many dear friends still trying for theirs. I understand all of this. But, it does not take away the thoughts of my 10 tiny ones being in heaven without their mother and father. It doesn't take away the thoughts of wondering who they would have been...or what they would have looked like. Those thoughts are still there...And today, for some reason, they are very real.

So, I suppose this is the time to allow God to hold me once again. I know that this is the time that He wants me to praise Him for that which I do have. And to grieve that which has been lost from this earth. I know that God grieves with me. I know that it is not His perfect plan that any should die. He did not create us this way. He created us perfect. He has to grieve that because of human nature (sin nature) our bodies have deteriorated to the point that we loose our own unborn children. He has to mourn with us.

So, I take comfort in this. I take comfort in the fact that My God feels my pain. He loves me in spite of my sin. He wants to comfort me in my trials...and that tomorrow is a new day. A day in which maybe I wont step down that path that leads me to sad thoughts about my babies in heaven...but joyous ones. After all...my babies are full of God's glory and are singing His praises...gotta smile about that!

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My peanut butter ran out...

LOL...I think I need to go to bed. My peanut butter has ran out. Feeling rather unsticky. Or at least I feel as though I would be like Glue...rather bland tasting. Can't wait for God to step in and show us where He wants us!!! And what He wants us to do. Praying and Pleading with Him tonight...and trying to get some Peanut Butter back...

That makes me think of the the Chili's song...I want my butter back butter back butter back...I want my butter back butter back butter back. AANNNIIIIEEEEE'SSSSS Peanut buuuuuutteeerr. LOL. Ok...i really do need to go to bed. Night...

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I will give Joy in the God of my Salvation!

Habakkuk 3:18

Ok...That is a wierd place to read your morning devotions, but I just really wanted to read something different! So, I read in Hab. I read the following, "Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall the fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the feilds shall yeild on meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls; Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will give joy in the God of my salvation." Hab 3:17-18

I have been very sad lately over the fact that our church is different. Our thoughts right now are mainly focused on preparing each family to go out and minister better. And while this is exciting, it is hard to not see a lot of number growth. And it is hard to watch your friends move away, even if it is a GOOD thing that they are moving to do. It is hard to look at empty stalls and it is hard to see our flock be cut off...Even if it is a good thing. BUT...I must go on to verse 18. YET I WILL REJOICE! I WILL GIVE JOY~ As I looked down on the notes that I had written for this passage about 10 years ago, I smiled...I had taken notes on a message that one of my friends from High school had preached, his name was Jason Wampler. Here is the main thing that stuck out that he said..."Joy is like a Peanut Butter sandwich...once you start spreading it around, it sticks to everything!" I am going to be off to do some sticking...:)

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Gazelling it....

Is this what it feels like when you are doing what you are supposed to? No real anxious feelings. Nothing that is super exciting or frustrating...just life. I have my checklist of everything to do today. Got 2 of them checked off already. 6 things left to do before I go to bed. What? Really?? That is it??? lol. Guess so. Just added another $2.00 to my savings account. Not a huge amount, but it felt good. Abbie is crying because she doesnt understand why we put the $2.00 in an envelope instead of spending it. Looks like she will learn soon enough huh??? Exciting! I am intense on getting this all done. I am intense on doing RIGHT...I am a GAZELLE....

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A few church Picts...

Ok...First one is of some of us girls on our last night at the old church. Next one is of Sunny at her Baby shower...The third one is of Brian and I at the Bass Pro Shop...and the last one is of the Priest family in front of their cabin. Sorry for all of the typos and improper grammer tonight...not in the mood to do it right...horrible huh?

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